If We Build it, He Will Come
by Paul Wilson

Are you tired of waiting for the Apocalypse?
Afraid that the Second Coming won’t happen in your lifetime?
Do you want those evil "pro-choicers" to face the Final Judgement NOW?
With your help, we can make it happen!
Introducing the New and Improved Religious Right!
(As Seen On C-Span!)
Your life is busier than ever! Between career, kids and battling against homosexual marriage, when does an ultra-conservative find the time to relax?
You’ve pushed your belief system on every heathen within earshot...When does the righteous evangelist get to take a vacation?
As with anything important, you have to make the time! And the time is now!
We’re talking about the ultimate vacation: The Rapture!
Imagine kicking back in heaven, on your own luxury cloud, watching as all of the non-believers battle Satan and his minions for the control of the earth!
Sounds great, right?
So, let’s make it happen!
How Do We Do It?
The answer is simple!
All of us know about the signs to look for...Signs that tell us that the Last Days are here, so that we can prepare for the coming Rapture.
We, at the New Religious Right are not happy to sit and wait, watching for these signs!
We say, ‘Make them Happen!’ Create the right environment, and Jesus will have to come back, taking all of us righteous Republicans home with him!
Remember: God helps those who help themselves!
Here are just a few of the many projects we’re working on:

Famine/Pestilence -While these conditions have existed in parts of the world for centuries, the New Religious Right has done more to increase these conditions on a global scale! Through our "war on terror" and crippling trade embargos, we have decimated entire regions! But that’s not enough! We want our Lord to appear in America, right? So, these same conditions must be prevalent here, too! What better way to accomplish this than by sending all of our jobs and industry to China? (Don’t worry, our members at the top of the major conglomerates will still keep all of the money!) And to seal the deal, we are removing all of those pesky environmental restrictions placed on big business! The resulting combination of high unemployment and pollution of air, soil and water should create the perfect conditions to force Our Savior out of retirement!

Natural Disasters - Whether it’s floods, fires or earthquakes, we at the New Religious Right are working day and night to develop new technologies that can create these events at will! From global warming (yes, it does really exist) to the soon-to-be-completed space station, we are confident that, very soon, we will be able to cause devastation with pinpoint accuracy! True, the recent tsunami was supposed to go into the Persian Gulf, but the results of our first trial run were very promising!

Wars - ‘Nuff said?

Identifying Marks Being Placed on the Population - This is one of the more obscure signs but, just to cover all the bases, it’s the real reason behind the proposed National Identification Program!

The Birth of the Antichrist - As you may have suspected, this did occur 59 years ago! We can’t divulge too much here...You must become a member...But suffice it to say, he is very high up in our government! He also was given a significant tattoo on his scalp in childhood (We couldn’t wait for it to appear naturally!). Rest assured, he was bred for this job and will make himself know at the proper time! For now, he cloaks himself in religion...Although, you will know him by his satanic smirk!

The time is nearly here, fellow faithful! Do not be discouraged by the increase in homosexuality, abortions and cloning! While we must publicly denounce these sins, we are working secretly to increase them! After all, we will need a huge army of sinners to stay behind after the Rapture, in order to defeat Satan in the coming war! Fear not, they will win the war, but all will die in the process, leaving us free to return to Earth and claim our off-shore bank accounts!

Join Us Today!
Our goal year for the Rapture is 2012 (this was calculated by prophecies from Nostradamus, the ancient Mayan calendar, and Jerry Falwell). We need your help to bring everything together by then!


Testimonials:

"Once, I was laughed at, shunned, even by Republicans...Now, thanks to the New Religious Right, I have the ear of a president! I finally have the power and respect I deserve! We are closer than ever to the Last Days, when all those who ridiculed me will burn in hell!"
-Ralph Reed
Christian Coalition

"I weep with joy to see the progress that the [New Religious Right] has made...I take pride in knowing that my humble contributions in deforestation helped to pave the way! Our time is at hand!"
-James Watt
Former Secretary of the Interior

"Our resources are dwindling, while our population increases...Famine is everywhere...There are holes in the ozone layer...Polar icecaps are melting...Way to go, New Religious Right!"
-Tom DeLay
Soon-to-be-former House Majority Leader



*This is an ad parody, and should be taken very seriously.